Realization

You ever stop and think about how screwed up you are? By you, I mean me, so don't get all defensive, ok? I realized how entirely damaged a was a month or so ago. It was during one of the interminable snows that forced me and one of my coworkers to sleep at the office. He works days and so when he got up at around 3am we'd hang out and talk for a while.

He mentioned that he wanted to write an sports blog. You know, spend some money on it to make it professional and try his luck with it. Maybe let it turn into his real job. That's his dream. Why this is significant is that when he said this I realized that there was no way I could believe that could ever work out. Not even a little bit.

To add to this cynicism, I have a much more reason to believe I could make that work. I mean I got six years of sports writing experience under my belt. I have written sports related articles that I know to be good about a wide variety of topics. Still, it would never even occur to me that I would ever succeed in a venture like that.

Which brings me back to the irrevocable damage my psyche has sustained through my life. No only do I not have anything beside a history of failure in my life, in all areas of my life. I can't even begin to imagine a scenario where anything else is the case. So why even attempt it?

My coworker has a dream. All mine are dead. How do you get them back? I have no idea. I'm broken.